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Becca Chodos, LCSWPsychotherapy & CounselingGreenwich, CT · Serving CT & NY

Grief After a Miscarriage: What It Feels Like and When to Get Support

Grief after a miscarriage is a real loss, and it deserves the same care as any other. Early pregnancy loss is common, and it is almost never caused by anything you did. Many women feel sadness, guilt, anxiety or numbness for weeks or months afterward, and for some those feelings stay strong enough that support from a counselor helps.

If you are reading this after a loss, I am sorry. What follows is what the research and the leading medical guidance say about this kind of grief, and what can help.

How common is miscarriage?

More common than most people realize. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists states that early pregnancy loss "happens in about 10 of 100 known pregnancies" (ACOG, 2024). Because so many people keep an early pregnancy private, the loss is often private too. Friends and family may never know, which can leave you grieving alone.

Did I do something to cause it?

This is one of the first questions many women ask, and the answer is almost always no. ACOG is clear: "In almost every case, miscarriage is not a woman's fault." It also states that "Working, exercising, stress, arguments, having sex, or having used birth control pills before getting pregnant do not cause miscarriage." About half of early miscarriages happen when the embryo does not develop properly, which "often is due to an abnormal number of chromosomes" (ACOG, 2024).

Knowing this does not always stop the guilt. Guilt is a common part of grief, and it can take time and support to let it go.

What does grief after a miscarriage feel like?

There is no single way it feels. Women commonly describe:

  • Deep sadness, sometimes arriving in waves
  • Guilt or self-blame, even when the loss was nobody's fault
  • Anger, including at people who say the wrong thing
  • Anxiety about the future and about trying again
  • Pain around pregnancy announcements, baby showers or due dates
  • Feeling numb, or feeling that you "should" be over it

For some women, the distress goes further. A study that followed women after early pregnancy loss found that nine months after a miscarriage, 16% had symptoms of post-traumatic stress, 17% moderate to severe anxiety, and 5% moderate to severe depression (Farren et al., 2020). The researchers concluded that "Distress declines over time but remains at clinically important levels at 9 months." The first author, Dr. Jessica Farren, put it this way: "Post-traumatic stress can have a toxic effect on all elements of a person's life -- affecting work, home and relationships" (Imperial College London, 2020).

How long does grief after a miscarriage last?

There is no set timeline. March of Dimes puts it simply: "There is no right or wrong way to grieve" (March of Dimes, 2024). ACOG notes that "For many women, emotional healing takes longer than physical healing" (ACOG, 2024).

Your body may recover well before your feelings do. That is not a sign that something is wrong with you. Other people may expect you to move on quickly. You do not have to meet their timeline.

Do partners grieve a miscarriage too?

Yes. A partner may grieve differently, more quietly, or later. In the same research team's study of couples (all with male partners), some partners reported "clinically relevant levels of PTS, anxiety and depression after pregnancy loss, though to a far lesser extent than women physically experiencing the loss" (Farren et al., 2021).

ACOG also notes that "your feelings of grief may differ from those of your partner" (ACOG, 2024). When two people grieve in different ways, it is easy to feel misunderstood by the person closest to you. Talking about it openly, and sometimes together with a counselor, can help you support each other.

How can I start to heal after a miscarriage?

  • Let yourself grieve. This was a real loss. You do not need to minimize it.
  • Choose who you tell. Share with the people who are able to support you, and it is fine to protect yourself from those who are not.
  • Take care of your body. Rest, eat, and follow up with your doctor.
  • Mark the loss if it helps. Some women find meaning in a name, a small ritual or a keepsake.
  • Plan for hard days. A due date or an anniversary can bring the grief back. Expecting that can make it easier to bear.

When should I talk to a counselor?

You do not have to wait until you are struggling badly. ACOG advises that if either of you "is having trouble handling the feelings that go along with a pregnancy loss, talk with your ob-gyn or a counselor" (ACOG, 2024). March of Dimes, in its guidance on grieving the loss of a baby, adds: "Tell your provider if you have intense feelings of sadness that last more than 2 weeks that prevent you from leading your normal life" (March of Dimes, 2024).

It may also be time to reach out if you have nightmares or unwanted memories of the loss, if you avoid anything that reminds you of it, if the grief is straining your relationship, or if fear is making it hard to think about trying again.

If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or call 911.

Support for pregnancy loss in Connecticut and New York

I specialize in working with women who are having difficulty getting pregnant, have high risk pregnancies, or have experienced pregnancy loss, and partners are welcome to come with you. You can read more about how I work on my pregnancy loss and miscarriage counseling page. I see clients in person in Cos Cob and virtually anywhere in Connecticut and New York, and I offer a free phone consultation. Please call me at 203-660-0613 or send me a message.

References

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